First of all, delighted to be here
I’d like to you take the camera off me
I’m an eye surgeon from Bowling Green, Kentucky
I am a husband to my best friend, Heidi, who’s here
none of us are a self-professed socialist
I think we are, in fact, the A-team
this is America: a mother is going to bed afraid
I was born 63 years ago, looked up, and I saw my mom
blood coming out of her eyes
blood coming out of her wherever
body parts of unborn children
body parts of human beings
I said, wow, I can’t believe it
I will take care of women
I will give them a warm kiss
this word cloud shows
they are bad dudes
they’ve done bad things
they are swinging
they are really dangerous
these lenders are not babies these are total killers
pushing any grannies off cliffs
the purpose of the military is kill people and break things
there will be boots on the ground and they’ll be over here and they’ll be their boots
rip up their body parts and sell them like they’re parts to a Buick
China, Mexico, everybody, Japan with the cars
Iran and Planned Parenthood
international gorilla of movement
give the Egyptians what they’ve asked for, which is intelligence
we have somebody over there, a madman
nameless, faceless
he of the executive order
he has had the gall to go after my mother
he would take his pants off and moon everybody
let’s start off with my father being a mailman
how many bakers, how many florists, how many pastors, how many clerks
people that are florists that don’t want to participate in weddings, or bakers
two 18-year-olds on a toot wanting to have some fun
more welders and less philosophers
when you find mush, you push
you should see the eyes of some of those children when I say to them
“we’re going to have to open your head up”
those are the hugs I remember
our government today, we saw it in the blimp
declaring into the air “let there be jobs”
that makes no sense to everybody
guess what? I just went to a wedding of a friend of mine who happens to be gay
I think they like me, and I appreciate that
short, tall, fat, ugly — my goodness
we need to be able to penetrate these people
very, very happy, very good people
death by a thousand pricks
are you a comic book villain?
can you do math?
I tell the truth
I tell the truth
I don’t repeat myself
I don’t repeat myself
I do a lot of doing
I’m the father of children
I do not want to walk my five grandkids through the charred remains
I’m against any changes that are bad for my mother
the first thing I would do would be: make adjustments to reality
something the government made – basically a bag of gas
a law that we pass to change the weather
here’s a man – Robin Hood
this is Robin Hood over here
you’re the one
you get along with nobody
you’ve hired nobody
you’ve had nothing but problems with your credit cards
you’re gonna be starting a trade war against your own ties and your own suits
you are welcome to be the president of the Smithsonian
we don’t know who you are or where you’re going
flying away from that podium by flapping your arms
even in New Jersey what you’re doing is called rude
the people in Florida wouldn’t elect you dogcatcher
during the absolute prime season, like Palm Beach
in those hot, hot sections of Florida
please, I know it’s hard
breathe, breathe, breathe, you can do it, breathe
I know it’s hard
I know it’s hard
I want to give you a little trip around the world
let me just take you around the world, ok?
I’ve given my answer
Lyin’ Ted
I stepped on every toe in that town
I want a government really
really small
so small
you can
see it
I was going to ask you to wake me up when the time came
as you requested, a bell will sound, like this



Republican Presidential Debate, August 6, 2015, Cleveland, Ohio
Republican Presidential Debate, September 16, 2015, Simi Valley, California
Republican Presidential Debate, October 28, 2015, Boulder, Colorado
Republican Presidential Debate, November 10, 2015, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Republican Presidential Debate, December 15, 2015, Las Vegas, Nevada
Republican Presidential Debate, January 14, 2016, North Charleston, South Carolina
Republican Presidential Debate, January 28, 2016, Des Moines, Iowa
Republican Presidential Debate, February 6, 2016, Manchester, New Hampshire
Republican Presidential Debate, February 13, 2016, Greenville, South Carolina
Republican Presidential Debate, February 25, 2016, Houston, Texas
Republican Presidential Debate, March 3, 2016, Detroit, Michigan
Republican Presidential Debate, March 10, 2016, Miami, Florida
Trump comments on CNN, August 7, 2015

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LAURA WILLWERTH lives in Massachusetts. Her work has appeared in Route Nine and The Massachusetts Review. Her chapbook, Trump It: Words I Found on the Right, is available from Factory Hollow Press.