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what if i could be / my own therapist / my own safe space / say it lisa / say what you’ve done / walked away from / given up on / held the face / of everyone you’ve ever kissed /

ARS POETICA

i won’t get used to eating / at this little table / across from no one / across from a gray wall / across from a blender and mixing bowls on a shelf / i sit here and look around for a while / before i get any food out / at the clock shaped like ohio / the to-do list / the coat rack / and try to feel proud of something / not my roots / not the way i walk / away / but my bike helmet / hanging there / evidence / i can move my body in a new way / i take risks / sort of / you can die on a bike you know / people text while driving / people leave because they think / there might be something better / my cats meow by now / dinnertime / their hunger so physiological / so unlike mine / sometimes i want a person who does not want me back / sometimes i am the wanted person / mostly i am the person who has everything / but not now / i took that for granted / so much of my life spent / not needing / nothing to hunger for / for so long i have been paired up / with the sunsets of people / blooming roses on the first warm day of people / and when i wreck it / i always wreck it / it’s not a train off the rails / but a train with unseen internal damage / the carbon monoxide detector that doesn’t work / but you only know / when it’s too late / when you’re dead inside / dead literally / train won’t explode but will stop suddenly / will ruin everything / when i’m lonely / i put all this stake in being wanted / like never before / like if i could open me up / look right into my chest / what would i find / besides blood / the sound of metal on metal / heart sometimes untraceable / heart sometimes too big / say i bleed out / what if i said my sins out loud / instead of sitting here with them / heavy in my chest / digging around for them in the mess of  / what if i could be / my own therapist / my own safe space / say it lisa / say what you’ve done / walked away from / given up on / held the face / of everyone you’ve ever kissed / sweet grapefruit of the morning / told the truth / told her everything / say ohio was the last place i was happy / said ohio is the place / i said / over and over / i will never go back to / the blood there means nothing / say i make a life somewhere else / like i have / say i still have you / somehow 

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